IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
En la Salud y en la Enfermedad
by
Mary Hunt Webb
Posted Thursday, May 31, 2018
The promises made at weddings are easy to make but difficult to keep. [Photographer: Unknown. Photo courtesy of Freelyphotos.com]
June is the prime month for weddings, and each one provides an opportunity for reflection on the traditions that go with them. Sometimes the wording of the vows may differ somewhat. At one wedding, the minister used King James English to ask the groom and the bride: "Wilt thou have this man/woman to be thy wedded wife/husband?" I hadn't noticed that the pastor used that form of English, but another couple in attendance did notice and commented on it.
They chirped, "The minister said, 'Wilt thou' and they did! That's what we said at our wedding! We 'wilted', too!"
Not all wedding ceremonies consist of the minister asking questions. In many instances, he or she states what the groom and the bride should say so that the groom and bride repeat those words after the minister.
Although some couples elect to write their own vows in a unique format, there are several parts to most of them that tend to be more or less the same in most ceremonies. Let's look at the promises that appear in most standard wedding ceremonies.
"To have and to hold from this day forward," means that this is the start of living together and staying together. The key words here are "to hold". Even if couples do pay attention to the vows they are taking at the time they marry, they can't possibly anticipate the ups and downs that await them in the years ahead. When times get tough, the best thing that a couple can do is to reach out and hold each other in an embrace. In the middle of an argument, one of us has opened our arms to enfold the other one. When something impossibly sad or bewildering happens, we do the same thing – we hold each other. There are times when circumstances are so overwhelming that it seems we are holding each other up in order to avoid collapsing.
Sadly, there are times when illness or other circumstances prevent us from holding each other. For example, when my husband was in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of the hospital and attached to various tubes and machines, I couldn't embrace him at a moment when we both needed that comfort. The best I could do was pat his hand. And, recently, when he had a contagious illness, I wanted to hug him, but couldn't because I didn't want to catch what he had. Although I avoided getting sick for a full week, I eventually caught his respiratory infection just from being in the same house with him. At least then we could go back to hugging.
The next set of promises, "For better or worse" is easy to say but difficult to do. "For better or worse" has meant mopping our flooded basement floor, making trips to emergency rooms, cleaning an oven from an overly juicy turkey on Thanksgiving Day, shoveling hail that was piled up like snow, taking refuge together under a bank awning during a storm that yielded grapefruit-size hail, dealing with power outages, supporting each other during a memorial service for a young relative, and other "worse" events too numerous to mention.
We also moved six times during the first 12 years of our marriage, with five of those being across state lines. Each time, that meant giving up our friends, our support group, our doctors, our dentist, and all that was familiar to go and live in unfamiliar territory with no one to turn to except the Lord and each other. And, we have done that. By making God part of our marriage right from the start, our family has been stronger as a result. As Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "And one standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer; three is even better for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." (Living Bible)
Right from the start, the Bible has been our reference book on how to conduct ourselves, our marriage, and our family. [Photographer: Jack Moreh. Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net]
The Bible has been our source right along. Likewise, praying together has been one of those established routines that has held us together. As a couple and as a family, we have prayed in cars and in public places as well as at home and in church.
The promise of "For richer or poorer" often means more of the "poorer" and less of the "richer", especially in the early years of marriage. Money is often reported as the source of many arguments between spouses. With car payments, car repairs, fuel costs, mortgage payments or rent, home maintenance and repairs, utility bills, medical expenses, dental bills, eyeglasses, travel, pets, electronics, moving costs, and unexpected expenses, "poorer" becomes more likely.
One thing I have learned about having or not having money is that rich people seldom know who their true friends are because they suspect that people associate with them because of their wealth and status. On the other hand, poor people usually know whom they can count on as friends. Quite often, the most help in difficult times comes from those that have the least but are willing to share it.
Loving spouses take care of each other during illness. [Photographer: Geoffrey Whitewayh. Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net]
That leads us to the words, "In sickness and in health". Dealing with illness can include going to the pharmacy in the middle of the night or preparing home remedies when no pharmacy is open or available. It can mean visiting each other in the hospital, urging a spouse to seek medical care when the other one didn't think it was necessary, reminding each other to take medication, and economizing in other areas in order to meet medical expenses.
Illness also adds questions, such as, "Will my spouse get well? Will s/he be able to return to the way s/he was and be able to do the same things that s/he did before? Does s/he resent being cared for? Does it make him/her feel helpless?" In such situations the ill spouse may feel inadequate to maintain or resume his/her normal duties. Illness also often adds responsibilities to the healthy spouse and disrupts the established routine of the home.
Because illness replaces harmony with tension, it can cause quarreling. Statistics show that 30 percent of divorces result from the stress that illness places on marriages. A study by Amelia Karraker of Iowa State University reported in 2015 that marriages are more likely to end in divorce when wives get sick than when husbands become ill. One stated possible reason is that men have not received guidance in care-giving and have no male role models for it. Consequently, they are not comfortable taking care of their wives. Therefore, a marriage that can survive a wife's illness is a strong union indeed.
After illness, it would seem that "To love and cherish" would be the easy part. However, the little ways of showing affection that were so prevalent in courtship may take a backseat to the daily tasks of running a household. Frequently, couples get so caught up in the "tyranny of the urgent" that they forget to say, "I love you" every day. They may neglect to take a moment to hug each other. Remembering the long embraces of courtship may help even if it requires ignoring critical comments of children and other members of the household.
One tradition that my husband and I have held onto from our courtship is to have "dates" or even "mini-dates". When we could afford it, we have gone out to eat together or to a movie once a week. When we couldn't afford to do that much, we have gone out for an ice cream cone or rented a movie to watch at home on a "mini-date". Showing affection to each other in little ways adds up to long-term contentment.
The words, "Till death do us part" traditionally meant that only the death of one of the partners could separate the husband and wife from each other. Today, many believe that "death" can mean the death of the relationship. A number of things are regarded as "killers" of marriages. These may include infidelity, abuse, opposing goals, illness, financial irresponsibility, and betrayal or distrust.
Ironically, the increase in longevity may be one factor in the increase in divorce, particularly among older couples. The possibility of death of one of the partners at a younger age may have added to willingness among previous generations to tolerate unpleasant situations in the home. But, as longevity has increased so has the unwillingness to live under difficult conditions. Those couples that are willing to work together to find ways to improve their relationship have the ability to create a happy home. Such ways include participating in marriage workshop weekends and seeking marriage counseling.
Everyone encounters difficulties in marriage. No couple is exempt. But the determination to remain together and to submit their difficulties to God can keep them united. As one pastor's wife reminded her husband, "You said, 'I do', and you'd better!"
BiBLE VERSE FOR THiS POSTiNG
Ecclesiastes 4:12 — And one standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer; three is even better for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." (Living Bible)
Ecclesiastés 4:12 — Y si alguno prevaleciere contra uno, dos le resistirán; y cordón de tres dobleces no se rompe pronto. (Reina-Valera 1960)
Every couple encounters difficulties, but marriage is fragile and should be handled with care. [Photographer: Slobodan Jošić. Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net]
